The Great Rebalancing
How a spreadsheet saved my sanity
In a recent moment of panic, I realized that history was repeating itself.
As my second maternity leave drew to a close, I found myself slipping back into the role of the "she-fault parent."
My partner and I had some serious recalibrating to do.
When our first daughter was born, we used Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play system to divide our household chores (see “The Great Accounting”). Though the conversation was a bit contentious, having a clear split of who owns what radically reduced resentment in our marriage.
As a bonus, I got 8 hours back each week to focus on my work, my hobbies, and myself.
With the arrival of our second daughter, the lion's share of baby duties once again fell on my shoulders. It was time for some rebalancing.
This time around, I revamped our initial Google doc, transforming it into a robust 100+ row spreadsheet detailing all our new household chores, who does what, and how long it takes.
Spoiler alert: After having baby #2, I was doing WAY more than my husband.
After some hard-core negotiating, we reshuffled the tasks to make things even again. Now, as I gear up for my return to work, I am feeling more at ease knowing that our responsibilities are distributed fairly.
Here’s what we did differently the second time around.
Allocate the parenting tasks
For the most part, our system had been functioning smoothly. The main change was assigning childcare responsibilities for our newest family member.
As we transitioned from one to two kids, we embraced three distinct approaches for sharing parenting duties:
Divide and conquer: In certain realms, particularly the daily grind, we consciously divvied up ownership. Case in point: Mike leads bedtime duty with our toddler while I handle the baby.
Double duty: Across most spheres, particularly infrequently tasks, we extended existing ownership to both kids. For instance, Mike now spearheads trips to the dentist for both girls, while I’m in charge of their haircuts.
Alternate: To prioritize intentional 1:1 time with each child, we mutually owned specific parts of the weekend routine, alternating roles. On Saturdays, I put the toddler down for a nap while Mike takes the baby, and on Sundays we switch.
Result: This strategic mix of tactics helped us successfully rebalance the childcare load.
Address sloppy agreements
We already divided most tasks during our first overhaul, but there was still ambiguity about the true definition of “done” for certain responsibilities.
Using our new spreadsheet, I zeroed in on areas where we frequently disagree (what we call “sloppy agreements”).
Together, we combed through the list of common friction points, redefining success for each task. Examples:
Bath time: How frequently do the kids need a bath? (Conclusion - bath happens 3x per week).
Car cleanliness: The car is a mess, but do we want to prioritize regular clean-ups? (Verdict - no. Commit to an annual spruce-up).
Blowout duty: Who handles blowouts? (Decision: You see it, you clean it.)
Result: By clarifying areas of ambiguity for frequent pain points, we paved the path for smoother collaboration going forward.
Automate tedious tasks
Staring at our new spreadsheet, I was overwhelmed by hundreds of hours of time-consuming tasks.
My ultimate goal? Free up brainpower for being present with my daughters.
Inspired by my husband’s push to streamline tasks, I sought innovative ways to automate time-intensive processes. Examples:
Monthly date night: We committed to a monthly date night so I scheduled them in advance with a nanny who can care for both kids.
Auto-subscribe: I set up Amazon subscriptions for essential household items such as toiletries, diapers, and makeup. This way, I don't have to worry about running out of toilet paper, it just conveniently arrives at our door.
Automated time for chores: I set monthly & weekly blocks on my calendar for logistical tasks like scheduling the kids' medical check-ups. I also added reminders for recurring duties like replenishing our emergency kit.
Result: By reducing time spent on administrative tasks, I freed up more time for interacting with my kids.
As we adapt to life with two children, this exercise has become even more crucial in ensuring a balanced and equitable family life.
Now we have a good starting point for dividing duties. We’ll try it out over the next few months and adjust as the needs of our family evolve. We’ll also continue to use “Weekly Office Hours” to check in on how things are going.
By sharing the load with my partner, we've created a more harmonious environment where we can focus on what truly matters - our family, well-being, and professional growth.
Since we had our second baby, I’m always on the hunt for tips on how to thrive as a busy family of four - let me know if you have any tactics that are working for you!
Namaste,
Tamara
This is genius. Now I want to take it to build an AI assistant in Vertex.