What happens when you stop controlling your kids

Breaking the cycle of constant "no" as a parent

Last week, I found myself sitting on an airplane, watching my toddler have a complete meltdown over a cup of apple juice.

Fellow passengers were shooting us dirty looks, wondering why I was letting my child scream so loudly and disrupt the flight.

The old me would have held firm. Explained why we don't do sugary drinks. Weathered the storm because "consistency matters."

But this time, I ordered her the juice.

Because sometimes the most radical thing you can do as a parent is just... let them.

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Last week, we went to the Oregon coast for our summer holiday. In many ways, it was a beautiful trip - watching my daughters splash in the ocean, building sand castles together.

Let them eat sand

But my younger daughter still skipped her nap on the flight and screamed for an hour in the car. My older daughter still came into our room at 4am, hysterically crying. They still fought over toys, threw tantrums, and demanded uppies.

And yet... the week was surprisingly relaxing.

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Most people would describe me as a highly disciplined person. I wake up at 6am every day to meditate and train for a half marathon. I rigorously set and review quarterly goals. I haven't eaten gluten in five years.

And while that structure serves me well, constantly exercising willpower in every area of life is exhausting.

Especially as a parent, I'm always saying no. No, you can't have another pouch yogurt. No, you can't play with the magnetic sand on the couch. No, you can't listen to another Ms. Rachel song before bed.

It's draining - laying down the law, enforcing every rule.

The truth is, setting boundaries is most of the parenting job - it’s how we keep our kids safe. And I’m proud of holding the line on the things we value as a family: healthy eating, solid sleep, minimal screens.

But somewhere along the way, I became the default disciplinarian. Keeping us on schedule, sticking to the plan. Saying no became my reflex, and I was tired.

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Going into this trip, I wanted to reset my nervous system. For my first vacation as a founder, I planned to disconnect completely - no phone, no social media, no email.

But what I didn’t know how to plan for was a different kind of reset: a break from the mental load of parenting. Because when you travel with kids, parenting doesn’t stop.

So somewhere between the mid-flight meltdown and those sandy beach days, I decided to try a new strategy - one I’d heard from Mel Robbins’ book Let Them: stop trying to control other people. In this case, my kids.

Let them eat ice cream and yogis and cheese sticks.

Let them get dirty, skip the bath, and sleep with sandy toes.

Let them read one more book and stay up past bedtime.

Let them indulge. Let them be free. And let myself do the same.

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It wasn't easy to say yes when I'm used to saying no. And of course, there were still boundaries - health and safety don't go on vacation.

But more often than not, I surrendered the battle before it even began. In the moment, when the stakes were low, I let them win.

Did I pay the price for some of those decisions later? Absolutely. There were a few sugar crashes that weren't pretty, and our typical sleep schedule went out the window.

But it was totally worth it. Because saying yes required so much less energy than constantly saying no. I had more patience, more presence, more actual joy in being with them.

It wasn’t about getting through the days, it was about savoring the special time with my kids. Stretching it. Because for once, time was abundant.

It felt like freedom. For that week, I felt like a different version of myself - because I was.

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Coming home, the transition was rough. Hearing "no" again was jarring - for the girls and for me. I became acutely aware of how often I actually say it.

But I also came back with the sweetest memories of breaking the rules. Of getting a taste of what it's like to be the fun mom.

As we’re adjusting back into our routine, I'm carrying forward a new question: "Does this really matter?" Not every battle is worth fighting. Not every rule needs to be rigid.

That week of saying yes taught me that loosening my grip doesn't make me a bad parent - it makes me a more present one. The most powerful shift is learning when to let go.

Yes, we still need to hold boundaries. But sometimes the best thing we can do is lower our expectations, lean into the chaos, and trust that our kids will be just fine.

Sometimes, we just have to let them.

Namaste,

Tamara

P.S. If this resonated, I'd love to hear from you! Tap the ♥ or share in the comments: are you more of a "hold the line" or "let them" parent? Your support means everything - thank you for being here!