Can you leave without leaving instructions?
When being "helpful" is actually keeping you trapped
I traveled to a friend's wedding last weekend while my husband stayed back with the kids, and here's all the "prep" I did before walking out the door:
Absolutely nothing.
I just kissed everyone goodbye, wrote a few sweet notes, and left.
Some moms would spend hours preparing - writing down schedules, prepping outfits and meals, leaving detailed instructions about naptime routines and favorite snacks.
But that "helpful" prep work is actually part of the problem. It keeps one parent as the manager and the other as the helper.
Even when we think we're being considerate, we're maintaining a hierarchy that exhausts us. When we prep everything in advance, we're saying, "I don't trust you to figure this out."
The most well-meaning preparation can trap us in a cycle where we never get to truly step away.
I should know. I was the default parent for my first baby.
It started during pregnancy when I researched everything - cribs, car seats, breastfeeding classes. By the time our daughter arrived, I was overprepared and in charge.
When we introduced the bottle, I jumped in when my husband was struggling instead of letting him figure it out. I redid tasks that weren't done my way.
What I didn’t realize was how draining it would become.
I was always “on” in a way that felt impossible to explain. Even when I wasn’t physically on duty, my brain was still running the show - mentally noting diaper changes, calculating feeding timing, remembering the bath schedule.
When I went back to work after maternity leave, the resentment hit a breaking point. I was managing a team at the office all day, then coming home to manage my family all night. I felt like I had two full-time jobs, while my husband had one.
Something had to change.
Society has trained us to believe that mothers naturally know more about raising kids. We’re expected to instinctively understand every cry, remember every preference, anticipate every need. Fathers get praised for "helping" with basic parenting tasks.
But none of this knowledge is innate. We learn it through repetition and necessity. The reason so many mothers become default parents isn’t because we’re biologically programmed to remember which kid hates crusts - it’s because we’ve been doing the mental work from the start.
And we often reinforce this dynamic ourselves. Every time we jump in, redo tasks, or take over, we’re sending the message that we’re more capable. We keep ourselves trapped in the manager role while our partners remain helpers.
Breaking this cycle requires recognizing that "helpful" preparation often maintains the very inequality we’re trying to escape.
My husband and I knew we had to do things differently.
So we divided household chores meticulously (have you seen our famous spreadsheet?!). But more importantly, we made sure both of us could handle any kid-related task - the morning routine, bedtime stories, what the girls like to eat, how they like their hair done, which stuffed animal goes to school.
We also built solo parent time into our weekly schedule on purpose. Wednesday nights are mine, Thursday nights are his. On weekends, we switch off on doing morning routine while the other person sleeps in.
We take turns with all routines so we both know what it takes, and the kids are comfortable with either of us leading.
The work of building dual competence was intentional and sometimes uncomfortable. But the payoff has been incredible. We’re both real parents, not manager and helper.
True partnership means both parents know the drill completely.
Our kids are equally comfortable with either of us leading. They don’t default to asking me for everything because they know Dad is just as capable.
The freedom this creates is incredible. Either parent can step away without the other drowning. Both of us get to be whole people, not just the sum of our parenting tasks.
My husband doesn’t need a manual when I leave because he’s been doing this work all along. When I travel, the house doesn’t fall apart. The kids don’t suffer (they actually look forward to their special daddy time).
And I don’t check the baby monitor or micromanage from afar. I get to actually enjoy the break. I can be fully present instead of mentally managing what’s happening at home.
Leaving without leaving instructions used to feel impossible. Now, it’s proof that real partnership is possible.
Namaste,
Tamara
PS - If you're feeling overwhelmed by the mental load, like you're juggling a thousand invisible tasks and barely keeping it together, I see you.
Join me for a free workshop this Thursday July 17 where we’ll talk about exactly why your brain feels so overloaded, and how to start creating real breathing room in your life (sign up here!).
I think I do some things that keep me trapped because I want to control how it’s done. One thing that’s helped is thinking about what I don’t care about and letting my husband take on those tasks- laundry, dishes, errands, meal preparation, etc. and holding onto grocery shopping and menu planning